Happy New Year But Goodbye To A “New” Me

 

5,4,3,2,1….. HAPPY NEW YEAR 2016! As we all shout, hug and lean in for that midnight kiss, that’s when the cell towers work overtime uploading all of our social media posts.  Around 12:15 the 2016 new year, new me post start…… You can’t escape it whether it’s Twitter, Facebook, and/or Instagram, we are all strapped in for a rollercoaster of self loathing resolutions that will only set us up for failure more then success.

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Now, I’m just making a silly-sightly sarcastic observation. But, I am going to focus on me. Last year was filled with so many highest of the highs and lowest of the lows. Five years ago, I started this tradition where I write myself a personal letter concluding my year while manifesting goals and aspirations I strove to achieve in the new year. After, I finish my letter, I flip through my journal and re-read the previous year’s letter.

It is such a liberating experience. It’s crazy and humbling to read my “crazy’ year be summed up in about a couple of pages. That’s it! Two F*%king pages! Makes all the yearly problems that came my way seem so insignificant. To think of all the times I felt stuck, helpless and heartbroken – these moments are literally mended and forgotten about. Because, I suppose, “time really does heal.”  As, I continue reading I am nostalgic and impressed that I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. All the darkness I have faced has transformed itself into a hard earned life lesson.

All my goals and aspirations I set before me, I actually achieved about 92% of. My personal hurdles that bother me, I am openly working on. It feels so good to say, “Hey, I don’t have it all figured out, but I’m aware and trying.” And, because of all those letters, I’ve stopped my personal resolutions. I’ve said “Yes” to a happy future that is designed for me. Not the other way around.

I quit the “new year, new me” formula cold turkey, since it was a recipe for disaster. I dated a man who told me not to live in the future but rather live in the present. At the time, I associated his saying with the fact that we were having problems, and figured it was a way for him to say/show there wasn’t a future between us (which there wasn’t in the end).

After careful thought and a year of solitude I finally understood. Forget what HE meant. What I discovered was he was spot on. Living in the past is as depressing as ’90s mom jeans, and living in the future is just as soul crushing (Like when you realize Oprah will never adopt me or gift me with a car.) Having goals and a timeline isn’t bad. It is responsible and human nature. The one fault that used to get me was when I followed my personal timeline a little too closely. That’s when depression and self loathing would approach me like El Niño. I’d feel so helpless and defeated. I would compare myself to others, becoming more sad and even envious at times. It was such a toxic feeling, but when I really honed in on what I want, like, and who I really am, that’s the day I became free.

What do I want, like and who am I?….. My personal belief is if I can answer all these questions year after year the same way, then I, my friends, have became bored with life. I am a smart young lady with infinite possibilities. However, that doesn’t mean I am near the woman I will and need to be.

I think that life is based on levels. Picture a video game. As, you progress in the game, we get bigger, stronger, smarter and are able to obtain so much more than when we started. I love pushing myself harder each and every year. Sure, I get burnt out at times. Yet, I surely don’t roll over and surrender. I pick myself up and stride through. I design my life around what I like, what I want, and how I operate daily. So, if I want to party like it’s Y2K for a month straight because I busted my ass for 3 months – then why not?

If I want to be a recluse and reflect inwardly because I am feeling sad or alone, that’s okay too. If, my life’s path is unconventional yet fulfilling then don’t I own that right? Our lives are hopefully ours to live. We all cast judgment from time to time, but at the end of the day we forget those are the insecurities of others. Because, most of us (myself included) are worried about our own skin.

We at times are all lost more than guided. But, I am here to say it’s okay! It is so liberating to shout out to the world, “I don’t know where I’m going but I have to trust and know it is up from here.” I have made bad decisions year after year. Some more severe then others. Some that have scared me straight and some that have still tapped me on the shoulder as a reminder. I wake up and try to be the best I can be. I try to love and see the beauty in life. I try to be kind while self aware, and loving while loved. I am human and not the Dalai Lama. I get mad, overexert myself and disappoint others at times.

At the end of the day I know I mean well and am at least conscious of it. I don’t go a day without thinking about others. However the validation of others and emotions cannot dictate my daily survival. An old psychologist told me, ” The day you stand up for yourself and find your voice is the day people will stop liking you.” It is so true, selflessness and selfishness are interchangeable at times. I just have to fine tune when to flip the coin.

So stop with the…… “In 2016 I want to; lose weight, not drink, not smoke, save money, garden…etc.” and just be the best version of you! Every day, every month, every year. If you design your life around YOU, you will be so much happier 11 months out of the year vs. the first 2.5 months of 2016. Live, eat, drink, love, be happy and healthy.

F*%k “new year, new me.” I’m the same hot mess. The semi borderline party animal, social/anti-social model who is sensitively erratic, who is on a quest for success (seeking mild validation), and won’t stop for anybody or anything. See that was easy enough right? Now you try. Better yet – let’s try together!!

Cheers to kicking ass in 2016…..

Don’t be scared to Find Your Seen.